A husband once said, "I think my wife is a perfectionist.  When I get out of bed at night to go to the bathroom and come back, my side of the bed is made."  He went on to say that she was so fussy and that she didn’t want any kind of mess, that she would even put newspaper under the coo-coo clock.   But being a perfectionist goes way beyond that, doesn’t it? 

Let me read something that I got off the Internet the other day.  This person says,  “I think that I am suffering from perfectionism. I cannot let go of certain things and the fear of becoming a failure is ever mounting. It is something that is scary, intrusive, and never-ending. I try to give people my all and when I do not get that in return I am disappointed.  Furthermore, I do not forget it. I want everything to be perfect. It is extremely difficult for me to admit that I cannot do everything myself and do it well.  There are certain things that I feel I have to do in order to be accepted and liked. Although I do not have a problem with meeting people and relating to many different types of interests and abilities, I feel that I need to do more.  Nothing seems quite good enough, and I am unable to derive satisfaction from what ordinarily might be considered a job well done or a superior performance. Deep-seated feelings of inferiority and vulnerability seem to force me into an endless cycle of self-defeating over-striving in which each task and enterprise becomes another threatening challenge.”

Does that sound familiar?  Do you ever feel like that?  That you are never quite good enough, that no matter what you do it is never enough and always trying to please others so that they will accept you, because you are not quite good enough as you are.  What an awful way to live, but do you know that social scientists believe that perfectionism is becoming one of the major addictions of our time.

I think this is what Paul is talking about in Roman 7: 21.  I am sure that Paul was a perfectionist until he met Christ.  He was a man driven to succeed, driven to be perfect.   He says here in this passage I kept trying to be perfect to be good, but I could never achieve it no matter how hard I tried.  I was never good enough.  And then he says, “Oh wretched man that I am - who will set me free from this body of death.   If you are a perfectionist then you can readily identify with Paul’s struggle.  Being a perfectionist is a terrible burden.  I know for I am a recovering perfectionist.

In my case it came from my father.  I could never please my father, no matter what I did.  It was never good enough.  I remember the time my father was working in the garden.  He needed to make some adjustment on the cultivator and he asked me to go down to the tool shed and get him a crescent wrench.   Well, I wasn’t sure exactly what a crescent wrench looked like.  I was so afraid of getting the wrong wrench that I gathered up all the wrenches on the that work bench and took them all up to him and wouldn’t you know it, I still didn’t get the right  wrench.

For most of us, our perfectionism is learned, mostly from our parents.  How many of you had parents that when you brought home a B on a test, instead to praising you asked why you didn’t get an A.   Of if you played a good game instead of saying you did well, they were always trying to tell you how to do better the next time.  You see perfectionism is a carefully learned behavior and fortunately, you can learn to deal with it.  I don’t think you ever get rid of it, of being so demanding on yourself and others, of expecting so much from others and when they don’t meet your expectations, getting disappointed in them.  One unfortunate thing about perfectionism is that it's catching.  If we have it we almost always pass it on to our kids.   But like all other addiction we can learn to deal with it.  We can recover

I remember the exact time and experience that my addiction began to heal.  I’ve told this story before.  I just like telling it.  I was in seminary studying for the ministry and I knew I needed to talk to someone.  So I made an appointment with Dr. Jerrigen, head of the pastoral counseling department.  I remember going into his office not really knowing what I was going to say.  I sat down in the chair and blurted out, “Dr. Jerrigen, I don’t believe in God.”   Well, the thoughts that started racing through my mind in that next millisecond went like this.  I just know he is going to say, what in the world are you doing in seminary if you don’t believe in God?  I just felt that I was really going to be judged.  But you know what he said?  He said, “That’s ok.”   Wow those were the most graceful words I had ever heard.  Not words of judgement, saying you haven’t measured up.  But words saying that I was ok.  That was the start of my healing.  I began to accept myself with all my faults.  I began to be more gentle on myself. 

Because perfectionism is learned, mostly from our parents who were in turn perfectionists, we can recover.  Recovery involves many things, but two are perspective and acceptance.  Getting a healthy perspective on life and accepting ourselves just as we are the most important ways of recovery. 

I love the story about the young girl who wrote a letter home to her parents from college. In the letter she said that she was out of the hospital and that the doctor said that her eyesight would be all right.  That she had met a wonderful boy named Bill, who rescued her from a fire in her dormitory and kindly offered to share his little apartment with me until the dorm is rebuilt.  He comes from a good family so you won’t be too surprised when I tell you we are going to get married.  In fact, you know how you always wanted to have grandchildren, so you will be glad to know that I am pregnant.  Then she goes on to say, please disregard the above.  There was no fire.  I am not going blind.  I am not pregnant and I am not planning on getting married.  But I did get a “D” in French and an “F” in Chemistry.  And I wanted to be sure you received this news in a proper perspective.   Love Mary.

Well, coming to grips with perfectionism in our lives is partly getting a perspective on what things are really important in life and what things we can live without and let go and the world will not come to an end if they are not done.   If you have unexpected guests and your house is a mess, you do not have to become a one person professional cleaning service and race frantically around the house making sure it's immaculate and in the process driving the rest of family crazy.  Getting perspective on what is really important is essential.